Olivia Grace turned 3 months old last Friday. She is no longer considered a "newborn". Something that sounds so trivial but feels so big. All pregnancy long, I only thought of having this tiny baby at the end. I guess I missed the part about her growing and learning and doing something new and exciting each day. I thought she would never outgrow her newborn clothes and that she'd sleep on our chests forever. And that I could just keep her in this protected little bubble until she was about 70, 75. As it turns out, that's not really practical (but I am still working on it...)
I have so many emotions over her being a quarter of a year old, you cannot even believe.
First and foremost, I am totally in awe of how fast the time has passed. And whatever, everyone tells you it will. Just like your wedding day. "Soak it all in!" The most over-used phrase of all time, am I right?! But it's the flat-out truth. You blink and she is holding her head up and laughing and trying with all her might to crawl and stand and be big girl in every sense of the word. And all of it BLOWS YOUR MIND. When did it happen?? Is she just an over-achieveing genius? (Probably.) Either way, it feels like we were driving home from the hospital yesterday. And this week she found her toes and is cutting her first teeth. Okay, brb, I need to go start planning her first birthday now.
Secondly, I feel incredibly proud. And I think that's okay to say. I am proud of Jason and me as parents. No one has been majorly injured so far (okay, I dropped my phone on her once) and we're all eating, sleeping, and showering on a somewhat regular basis. We still have no idea what we're doing, but we are figuring it out together. Purely by trial and error. Liv is getting to know us, and we are getting to know her, more each day.
A little bit of sadness comes along with it, too. How did time pass so quickly? "Starting our family" phase of life is officially over. We will never again be just two Stews. Liv will never again be a tiny little person that needs us 24/7 for every single thing. She will never fit into those itty, bitty clothes again. She will never use her newborn inserts or take a measly 5 oz. bottle and be full. I will never be up with her all hours of the night, both of us crying (okay, maybe we will) but finally falling asleep together. It's bittersweet. Liv is growing and thriving. But she's not my tiny babe anymore. She's somehow becoming a little girl already.
Lastly, I feel like I want a thousand more babies. Because as hard as it's been, I never want to stop doing this part of life. Watching the tiny human you MADE smile at you because you genuinely made her happy is the single best thing I've experienced in life. It still gets me choked up every day.
But as much as I love this little girl and being a mommy, there are some hard truths that come along with parenthood. Being a mommy is hard. Period. The end. Nothing besides loving their little guts out is easy.
Liv's first 6 weeks of life, we basically had every breastfeeding/digestive issue you can think of. At 2 weeks old, I got double mastitis that started a downhill slide at something I totally took for granted. Oh, you want to breastfeed? No problem. But baby to boob, suck, the end. NOPE. No one really tells you how challenging and emotional breastfeeding is and how many things can go wrong. Liv started off with a shallow latch. Then we both battled thrush for 8+ weeks. I developed oversupply and a forceful letdown about a month in, which made her continually gag/choke, destroyed her tummy, and turned all her poops neon green. Ah! The joys of motherhood. Two months in, we also found out she had reflux and a dairy intolerance. Once we got it all figured out, however, she was a whole new baby. Seven weeks was a MAJOR turning point for all of us. She started eating better, which meant she napped better, which meant she was happier, which meant we were happier. I think it just takes patience and perserverance and knowing that God created this tiny miracle and is going to give you the ability to provide for her. Even when it seems impossible and you are frustrated beyond belief.
And so things gradually improved from 2 months on. I started showering more, which I'm sure improved Jason's quality of life. Jason stopped being gone for work around the clock. (p.s. single moms are seriously my heroes. I barely survived without him.) We started venturing out more with confidence. We got back into a somewhat "normal" routine. Despite the progress though, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies...
Here are a few of the tougher lessons I've learned since becoming a mommy:
1. You will not sleep enough under any circumstance. And naps probably won't happen no matter how often you tell yourself, "I'll nap when she naps".
2. You will freak out about and self-diagnose every medical condition under the sun to you or her or both. Trust me. EVERY condition. In the history of medicine. (I have a folder in my photos titled "Liv's Poops" for anyone interested.)
3. Every cry - no matter how big, how small - will break your heart. And the first real tear? Game over. You'll be bawling, too.
4. You will want to quit breastfeeding at some point (or for me, 5 times a week the first 3 weeks).
5. Comparison will ruin your day faster than realizing it's 4pm and you still haven't brushed your teeth (I'll let you decide if that's a hypothetical or real problem for me) if you let it. It is so easy to fall into, is my baby as {fill in the blank} as this baby on FB, instagram, whatever else the kids are using these days?
6. You will feel like a bad mom at some point. (You aren't.)
7. The first night she sleeps in her crib all night will be the best and worst night of your life. "I've never slept better! Wait, she doesn't need me? Why is her room so far away? We should probably buy a new house with closer rooms."
8. One day you will accidentally touch her soft spot and immediately be convinced you've caused permanent brain damage.
9. You will fall short of your own expectations. Hey remember how you thought she'd sleep in her crib from night one and you wouldn't pick her up every time she cried? Well Liv slept on Jason's or my chest for her first 2 months of life exclusively, and her average length of cry before being in my arms to this day is probably somewhere around 3.6 seconds.
And most of all...
10. You will have NO IDEA what you are doing. Read every book you want. You still won't have a clue.
But even through the sleepless nights and the struggle of how to juggle this new lifestyle, there is ONE thing I have learned that outweighs all the "hard" things:
IT IS WORTH IT.
All of it. The green poops. The blistered nipples (TMI, don't care. It's real.) The fights with your husband. The public meltdowns. The worry. The stress. ALL of it. This tiny little baby is the most worth it thing ever created. And you would go through all of it one thousand times over to have her in your lives. (Or literally nineteen times, if you're Michelle Duggar.)
One thing that has particularly rocked me to my core almost every day is how God continues to provide for us. And I'm convinced it's the only way we've survived. Because face it, we are way under-qualified to be doing what we are doing... raising a HUMAN. I truly believe every day He will give you enough strength, grace, and patience (even if it's the bare minimum) to get through that day. And that's all you can ask for. Just get to the end of this day. Tomorrow will happen tomorrow. (Side note: if you're really lucky, He will also provide you with an amazing friend that you can text all day and night long who will also show their pediatrician a picture of your baby's poop when you're worried and your check-up isn't for 2 more days... Hi, Kati! Love you!)
So if I could tell all expecting mommies and daddies one thing about parenthood? It would be simple: enjoy it. Oh my stars, just enjoy it. ALL the emotions of becoming a parent... because it will fly by faster than you could ever imagine. And you only get to become a parent for the first time ONCE.
Happy quarter of a year, OG! We love you more than anything.
